I have a cavity. Fuck. The dentist tells me my teeth are super groovy. Like the rest of me, obviously. It’s genetic.
Uh, what?
Is she saying that cavities don’t just happen to super gross people who don’t brush their teeth properly? Or kids who are so terrible that the bad comes seeping out of their tooth pores in a toxic, rotting sludge?
Teeth do have pores. I learned this vaguely from Colgate commercials but is confirmed by dental professionals. This is why your teeth are sensitive to hot and cold. Feel free to use that bit of trivia at your next dinner party.
I knew intellectually that dental issues are caused by a variety of issues, typically genetics and lack of access to dental care, but my ol’ crazy brain insists that cavities are tied to morality.
It’s lazy to blame wacky morals on religion, but I am a lazy lapsed Catholic so I will. Plenty of religions intertwine genetics, healthcare and virtue. Look at what the Catholics say about gay people: love the sinner, hate the sin. Applied to oral hygiene: love the tooth, hate the decay. Religion is also highly about appearances, so we have to appear healthy and straight, both in tooth and moral character. Many religions also explain away random difficulties as God’s plan. This is to cover for the fact that no one really knows why tragedy happens, and if it happens to you it must be some kind of grand plan, or giant conspiracy, or you’re a shitty person. If I know you’re unlucky because God or the government hate you, and I have my life because God blessed me personally, I get to feel safe. If I have to believe that life is just a random ball of chaos and whatever happens to me is the luck of the draw, well, then I’ll need a prescription for Xanax.
When I was little I was absolutely terrified of getting cavities. Having a giant needle stuck in my gums and a tooth drilled out seemed like the worst thing ever. I saw the appointment on the calendar and embarked weeks of internal fits of anxiety and obsessive, repetitive saying of The Lord’s Prayer. This was the only way to keep cavities away. If it wasn’t so obvious, I would have prayed the rosary. My grandma kept my dad out of Vietnam with daily rosary clicking so I know it works. I did this work silently. You’re welcome, mom and dad. Imagine having to listen to that all the time when you didn’t sign up to be a monk.
I have some core beliefs about my inherent laziness. Which means that not only did I not pray hard enough, I only have cavities because I don’t brush enough, or good enough when I do. Flossing? Never heard of it. Laziness is one of the Seven Deadly Sins—poor dental hygiene leads to cardiac problems and even death. I doubt they even had toothbrushes when they came up with the sin list so it truly must have been divinely inspired.
Regardless, imagine my relief when it turns out that, like most things, dental hygiene is a matter of doing your best (and flossing), rather than a matter of being a good person and fervent prayer. Good teeth don’t truly equate to good morals. Phew.
Of course, then Max got a cavity and now I’m a bad mom…
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