The in-laws brought home a Pocket Hose. My first thought: well, that certainly won’t fit in my pocket. It looks like what guys think of when they let you know they’ve got something in their pocket. For something called Pocket it’s a pretty big hose. I dunno why I expected it to fit into my pocket, especially since most women’s pockets are nothing to write home about. And then some things have pockets, but you wouldn’t want to put anything in them, because then you’ve got a weird lump. Something in my front pocket indeed. Like no one has pockets that big, except for maybe the giant from Jack in the Beanstalk. Who is not a real person. They should have called this The Lightweight Hose. Or the E-Z Hose. Or “Hey, This One Scrunches Up!”
Photo Credit Ace Hardware. Even Al can’t fit it in his pocket.
Things are always fooling with my expectations. Like make-up. It should make me look like the ladies on the commercials. But I put it on and I can still see my natural skin and that feels like a problem. I don’t want to see bags under my eyes. What’s the point? Some makeup is supposed to revolutionize my under eye, but then I put it on and it only enhances my wrinkles. I hope they invent Wrinkle Spackle because I’m going to need it. Mascara is awful. My current mascara promises the look of false eyelashes. I was psyched, because I’m too afraid of gluing eyelashes on crooked to have false ones. But when I put it on I still had my eyelashes, only darker. So disappointing.
The most disappointing animal ever is the wolverine. I expected a giant animal with fierce claws and sharp teeth. And fur covered muscles. But wolverines are barely threatening. According to the Internet, they are the largest member of the weasel family. I can’t possibly be frightened of a weasel. They don’t even look like Hugh Jackman.
Photo credit: Wikipedia. I mean, he’s not even yellow and blue.
And then there’s the Tasmanian Devil. Who looks nothing like a Tasmanian Devil, unless I guess you actually grew up in Tasmania and without your mind polluted by Looney Tunes. I expected it to bear at least a passing resemblance to the cartoon, but, no. The only thing the two have in common is they’re both kinda cute.
Photo credit: Wikipedia. He looks so placid, doesn’t he?
Lots of places don’t live up to expectations either. Once I went to see Plymouth Rock and, hoo boy. It was a small rock with a plaque on it. You could tell it was special because it was under a pergola. But you weren’t even allowed to touch it. You just had to gaze upon it and think of Pilgrims.
The worst expectations are family expectations. You try to do something fun with your family, go to a fall festival, for instance. But you get there and it’s crowded, and everyone is walking too fast or too slow, and it’s either too cold or too hot. No one wants to stop and look at anything and the lines for Kettle Corn are too long. You can’t get anyone to pose and take a picture and before you know it someone is having a meltdown and someone else is scowling and by the time you get home you hate everyone and just need to sit quietly by yourself.
This is all to say that, it might be good to manage expectations. My Dad used to stay that he never expected any gifts at Christmas, so he was never disappointed. Which is great, because I gave him a lot of shitty gifts growing up. My husband, bless him, is an extreme pessimist. (“Not a pessimist; a REAList.” Well, your reality SUCKS, Nick Fisher). But he’s probably never disappointed either. Cranky. But pleasantly surprised when things go well. I’m an optimist, and while I am disappointed frequently and angry at my naivety-, the time spent anticipating good things is lovely. And I’m enough of a pivot-er and reframer to handle disappointment.
At least a Pocket Hose is easier to drag around, in my arms if not my pocket. My face looks marginally better with than without makeup. Animals are cute if not fearsome. I traveled to Plymouth, and I never leave a festival without Kettle Corn. For me, it’s easier to anticipate the best and land among just fine. Looking cranky causes wrinkles, and until they invest Wrinkle Spackle I need all the help I can get.
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