Two things I thought would go extinct in my lifetime: people named Richard who call themselves Dick, and moustaches.
I think Dick will die out in my lifetime still (ha!) unless someone comes up with a catchy new slang for penis. Moustaches, though, made a roaring come back. Just…why?
For a while growing up dudes had moustaches and it was ok. Some guys had moustaches and some did not. And then, in the early 2000s the moustaches faded away. The people who always had moustaches still had them, but, no new moustaches made the scene. Pretty soon, the only people who had moustaches were certain porn stars (I’m told) and creepy dudes you’d cross the street to avoid. I thought the moustaches would go away.
Yeah, certain types of hipsters enjoyed harkening back to the old-timey days with their waxed curlicues, but those guys all lived in Brooklyn where I didn’t have to look at them.
But then, Top Gun 2: More Tops and Guns, came out, and with it, Miles Teller and his moustache. Suddenly, it was on.
Younger guys started growing moustaches with the thought that they’d look like hunky airplane guy. But they didn’t. They looked like themselves, only with suspect facial hair. But they didn’t get the memo. Or they got it and cheerfully ignored it, because they were sexy in their own minds.
And then the moustaches came for the cops. When you enter the police force, you get your uniform, your badge, your gun, etc. And then you’re assigned a moustache. I don’t know why cop moustaches are such a thing. I think many jurisdictions have rules against too much facial hair, and certain people like to toe the line: moustache as middle finger to the man. The other ones, though, grow them because they have cute little baby faces (I’m at the age where most professionals look unnervingly young) and the moustache lets folks know that they are old enough and deserving of respect. Only they don’t. They still look like little boys playing cops with stick on moustaches. Some of them are so gosh darn young and cute that I’d like to pinch their cheeks. But then I’d get charged with assault.
The reason new moustaches look so young and wispy and laughable is that I grew up in the ‘80s, when moustaches were real and lustrous. The mustachioed icons obviously were Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. No other moustaches compare. Tom Selleck even makes chest hair look good. And he drove a Ferrari.
RIP Burt, and Tom Selleck isn’t quite the man he used to be, but his moustache has aged remarkably well. There should be a law where only Tom Selleck can have a moustache, and when he’s on his death bed he can pick a successor. Moustache as the Highlander: there can be only one.
If you think about embarking on the moustache journey, first, don’t. But if you insist, please take a vacation while growing it: no one wants to look at your crusty facial mess. When you’re ready to emerge like a hairy butterfly, first, take a long look in the mirror. Is your moustache thick? Glossy? If your moustache and Tom Selleck’s moustache got in a fight, would yours win?
If not, please, do yourself a favor and shave. Trust me, you’ll look old enough eventually.
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