Sea monkeys have tantric sex.
Just like Sting and um…others who might be having it but don’t broadcast that fact. Which makes me wonder if the opposite is true of Sting, and the hours-long tantra is good for his image. He could have just kept his mouth shut, but, nooooo, he had to brag. Who has that much time, anyway? I have things to do. You know what has that much time on their (many) hands (legs)?
Sea monkeys.
Our foray into sea monkeys started as most things do: with YouTube. Would you believe there is a whole channel devoted to sea monkeys and their accoutrements? If you didn’t believe, you clearly have never watched YouTube. Max and I watched videos about sea monkeys and their different habitats (Rocket Ships! Mars!), the evolution, and rating, of their packaging. One can even race sea monkeys on their own little race track.
There’s even a larger sibling to the sea monkey called the Sea Dragon. I didn’t pay enough attention to understand whether sea dragons are a whole different species or if they are just giant sea monkeys, like those freakishly big babies folks have nowadays.
If you’re looking for a low-maintenance pet, sea monkeys are the way to go. After a week or so, you don’t even need to feed them, just add more water every so often once they start looking faint. They’re good at being ignored, which is perfect for me because I’m lazy and forgetful. Sea monkeys might not look happy to see you when you walk in the door, but you can always pretend they do. You really shouldn’t try to snuggle with them though.
Speaking of snuggling, you’ve been waiting to get back to All. The. Sex.
One day, I looked into the tank and thought, “Did a sea dragon get mixed with these monkeys”? And then I took a closer look and, no, there were TWO of them, hooked together. “Are those monkeys…DOIN’ it?” And lo, they were! While swimming! And they could go for HOURS! I’d be exhausted. I love Synchronicity, but even Sting can’t tantra and swim at the same time.
As the circle of life rolled on, eventually there came a day where there was only one sea monkey in the tank. I hoped there were more buddies in there, crawling through the algae at the bottom, but no. And then I thought I saw some tiny ones in there…but…did he EAT them? Maybe he was having tantric sex with a midget sea monkey (no kink shaming!) But, no, he was alone. Swimming. By himself. Alone. Waiting to die. Alone.
I understand that we take the final step into the afterlife ALONE, but surely we’d rather have a friend there too. Lonely little sea monkey. Unless…he killed all the other sea monkeys in the tank and luxuriates in the open water. Hopefully there are no thoughts in his head and he just swims around “oh look! Algae!…oh…hey…Algae! Wait, what’s that? Algae! And one day he’ll blink out of existence and I’ll have to clean the disgusting tank.
I don’t really want to contemplate mortality when I fill the coffee pot in the morning, but sea monkeys are a good, if tiny, reminder that life is short. Particularly for a sea monkey.
P.S. Though, if you’re like me and you anthropomorphize your sea monkeys and fear that this guy is swimming around in despair, contemplating death, never fear. According to Google AI (which might be lying), and also Reddit, which maybe isn’t, sea monkeys have a teeny, tiny brain that allows for reflexive behaviors that keep them alive and propagate the species, but not much else. No thoughts and feelings.
As far as we know.
Leave a Reply