Let’s talk about special needs kids and friends. My son went to a birthday party a few years ago, for a *basic* friend of his. Max does not get invited to many parties (see: special needs kid), so we go to evvrrryyy party. This party was at an awesome (to an 8 year old) place with an arcade, laser tag, etc etc. It was the first party we had been to where most of the parents dropped their kids off and jetted. I had missed that transition time where you don’t stay with your kid at a party. We were still together. And yes, Sue, it’s a different time than 20 years ago when you were raising your own *basic* kids: I have to make sure I follow my kid around to make sure he doesn’t get lost or stolen, ok, so like keep your opinionated face to yourself. I let Max to into the laser tag with the rest of the kids and left, rather than grabbing my own gun and running after him, ok, which I seriously deserved a medal.
I digress. Basic party kids mom, came up to me and said how glad she was that our sons were friends. But here is the kicker. She said, “It just happened so organically, you know? Basic just chose to be friends with Max on his own. He really likes Max.”
It seems so innocuous, right? Except like this mom said this to me like she deserved her own medal. The Awesome Mom medal. Here’s a hint. No one likes moms who openly display their medals. Again, keep that shit to yourself. But her words, and the glaring difference between my son and his peers at this party left this stuck in my craw since it happened (years ago. I can hold a grudge).
And truly, if I were in her shoes? I would feel the same way. Who wouldn’t be so proud of your kid who was friends with a “different” kiddo? All on their own. Without their mom making a big deal out of being nice to everyone. Or making sure to include everyone because no one wants their feelings hurt. Honestly if I had a *basic* kid like that I would be over the moon. And you bet I would humble brag (or straight up brag) about it. BUT.
I had a really good friend in college. And we did lots of things together…mostly walking all over town exploring the nature (Ithaca is Gorges!) and the ins and outs of Cornell. One day when I must have been feeling masochistic because there is truly no other explanation, I asked him why we were friends. He told me that when we first met I seemed like someone who could use a little guidance. Uhh. Ow.
I get that soon after we first met I showed up to work hungover, had a puking incident in the bathroom and was sent home to sleep it off. I also get that as a freshman I certainly radiated a need for guidance. BUT.
I have so much more to recommend me as a friend.
I know I’ve had people in my friend group who were there because I felt bad for them. I know there are people in your friend group who are there because you need an uglier wing man. Or maybe there are people in your friend group because you saw a sanctimonious story on Instagram about buying the janitor at work coffee. I guess these friends serve a purpose to make you feel good about yourself. You can point to that purpose, and your friendship, so that people know how good you are.
But let me tell you, as that friend, and as the parent of the *different* friend, it feels incredibly shitty to know that you have nothing at all to recommend you except for your ability to be *fixed.* Or a special project. Or reason number 436 why your kids is so amazing.
If I had to guess, *basic* kid is friends with my kid because he’s pretty smart. And he says what he’s thinking. You know where you stand with him at any given moment. He’s creative. He likes Legos too. He will make up a song about the sensory room with a toy guitar.
We all deserve friendships with people who see our special qualities and want to be around them. We need friendships with folks who admire us for our differences. We need friendships with people who think we’re pretty cool, with people who like us back.
No one wants a pity friendship, even a special needs kid.
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